"Stop!! Police!!!? Theft!!!!... That woman just stole my horoscopes!!!"

Howdy people. My friend Kat who many of you either know, or have read her posts, writes for the paper of the college i used to go to. Among other thigs, she writes the horoscopes. Lately shes been creating a themed horoscope, and the one for next month was too good not to post. Thanks Kat for these august horoscopes (even though you didnt give me persmission -- hehehe, i posted your pic so you could be more mad about that than me stealing your horoscopes)

VAN GOGH-O-SCOPES

(Written by Kat http://kaiaroha.livejournal.com/)

For those of you unfamiliar with this type of themed horoscope, an explanation is in order. I take a person of reknown, and then use their quotes to hurt you, or, less commonly, to make you happy. It's amazing how years later, the wisdom of the greats still holds true, even if not as originally intended. Sure, some may call it irreverant, or a huge perversion of the original meaning, but i like it like that- perverse, dirty and wrong.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 19)"I am not an adventurer by choice but by fate." I think you should get these words tattooed prominently across your back, Aquarius, as when it comes to you, truer words have never been written. (Well, except maybe the stuff i write about you in my blog, all about how you never call me, and try to make me cry- that's pretty true too.) You were born to travel, to have adventures; you were born for an extraordinary life. I promise i won't fuss too much about you leaving, well, not to your face anyways.

PISCES (Feb 20-Mar 20)"Conscience is a man's compass," which is good news for those Pisces who actually HAVE a conscience. You do what you know to be right, follow your heart instead of the dictates of others, and look at the happiness you've found! For the rest of you soulless bastards out there, what can i say? You're going to hell. Fry fucker.

ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19)"I wish they would only take me as I am." It'd be nice hey? I guess it just goes to show that some things never change: there's always going to be people judging us, making assumptions, and being all around pricks. There's only one thing you can do- ignore them, and don't let the bastards get you down. Well, that's the only legal thing anyways!

TAURUS (Apr 20-May 20)"Love is something eternal, the aspect may change, but not the essence." Love may not conquer all, but the ability to love can overcome despair, and give us back to ourselves. I think the only thing that matters is that we still love, despite risk, pain and disappointment. You're doing just fine, sweetheart.

GEMINI (May 21-June 21)"As we advance in life it becomes more and more difficult, but in fighting difficulties the innermost strength of the heart is developed." Let's hope Vincent knew what he was talking about Gemini. You've been through hell recently, but things have to get better. Until then...well, we measure success in survival these days. (This too shall pass.)

CANCER (June 22- July 22)"Great things are not done by impulse, but a series of small things brought together." Like going to Uni, doing your undergrad, then your MA, and now your bloody PhD. OK, we get it, you're not only brilliant but diligent as well. You just keep going until you get what you want, which in my opinion is the mark of an obsessive personality. Ah well, you know what they say about success- it's 10% inspiration, 40% determination, and 50% being willing to bump off all those fuckers who get in your way. Oh, and i think having a wicked MySpace page helps. Fine, and being incredibly handsome and brilliant and talented. I guess that helps too.

LEO (July 23-Aug 22)"What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything?" Wow, a more apt quote for you couldn't exist. For those Leos who had the strength to follow their hearts, even to strange, if not so distant lands, i have nothing but admiration for you. You had the courage to take a risk, and look at all you've gained. For those Leos that have neither strenghth nor faith- an empty life is punishment enough. (An empty life and a kick in the balls, that is.) SO much to look forward to!

VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)"If you hear a voice within you say "you cannot paint," then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced." However, if you hear a voice that says "you cannot kill hobos", you probably shouldn't. Sure, killing will silence the voices...for a while. But then they'll come back, demanding ever more hobo blood, and the madness will continue. Or, that voice might, just might be your conscience. Or the cops. Think about it (the cops bit, not all that lovely, lovely hobo blood). Medication is a good thing.

LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)"... whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is done well." Fits you to a "t"... I don't know what any of us would do without you.

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)"In the end we shall have had enough of cynicism and skepticism..and we shall want to live more musically." I think it's time you allowed yourself time to find out what it is that you want to do. Escape the cynicism of the city, the tedium of daily routine, and go stare at the stars for a while. And then come back, more rested, happier...just remember to come back.

SAGGITARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)"I often think that the night is more alive and more richly colored than the day." Well, that's certainly true of the Downtown Eastside at any rate- if by "alive" he means teeming with crackheads, and "richly coloured" is interpreted as loud and smelling of urine. Ah, life in all it's diverse splendor is certainly represented in our neighbourhood! Serenaded to sleep every night by the sound of sirens, and addicts arguing in the alley below- it's like living poetry.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)"The more I think about it, the more I realize there is nothing more artistic than to love others." Nothing could be more true about you, sweet Capricorn.Though at the moment, i think the way you love yourself is pretty artistic too! (you're my favourite distraction) Your love is perfection, endless grace, redemption; any who have it are blessed in countless ways. Everlong.

*Vincent Van Gogh (1853-1890) was a renowned artist, as famous for his depression as he was for his works of art. Perhaps best known for his painting "Starry Night", and for chopping off his own ear, Van Gogh remains one of the most acclaimed and influential artists in recent history. You should know all of this already- your parents must be very disappointed that they saved up money for your college education. It's all wasted on you.The horoscopes are written by KHOBE, who would love to hear from you, in the form of a note sent to the Gleaner office, or an email to stopitloser@hotmail.com. Not that i don't appreciate the sentiment behind the 4 am phone calls, with the heavy breathing, or the dead roses on my front step. I can tell you're a romantic at heart, and i love the attention. I'd just prefer something in writing (something i can take to the cops). Send me theme requests, feedback, or passionate declarations of love. And Pisces, nobody cares, so stop whining.