Sunday, July 30, 2006

make sure to always wear clean underwear

This last week, i read something posted by a wise lady that asked "when you die, are you stuck in heaven wearing the clothes that you died in for eternity?" And after the classic is there or is there not a heaven debate, the following critical questions went through my head, in this order:

1. Oh great.. do I have to worry about dressing myself in heaven?
2. Do i have to be stylish..and colour coordinate?
3. Does that mean I have to do laundry in heaven?
4. Is it possible that everyone everyone just goes naked instead?
5. Are ugly people allowed to go naked?
6. Can we force people to wear something if they dont want to, but we want them too -- who's heavenly wishes out rank some one elses?
7. What if we ARE stuck wearing the same thing, and we were wearing what we were wearing because it was laundry day, and so our outfit is really uncomfortable.. or ugly.. or we have holes in our socks?
8. IF we have holes in our socks, do they get bigger?
9. If we dont have holes in our socks, do we get holes in our socks?
10. What if we were wearing sandles, and no socks, but its drafty in heaven, can you get socks?
11. If you can get socks, can you get other clothes? Or, are you stuck wearing the same clothes you die in for eternity!?

....It really does give a whole new meaning to that old moms' saying "always wear clean underwear, because you just never know".

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

"Stop!! Police!!!? Theft!!!!... That woman just stole my horoscopes!!!"

Howdy people. My friend Kat who many of you either know, or have read her posts, writes for the paper of the college i used to go to. Among other thigs, she writes the horoscopes. Lately shes been creating a themed horoscope, and the one for next month was too good not to post. Thanks Kat for these august horoscopes (even though you didnt give me persmission -- hehehe, i posted your pic so you could be more mad about that than me stealing your horoscopes)


For those of you unfamiliar with this type of themed horoscope, an explanation is in order. I take a person of reknown, and then use their quotes to hurt you, or, less commonly, to make you happy. It's amazing how years later, the wisdom of the greats still holds true, even if not as originally intended. Sure, some may call it irreverant, or a huge perversion of the original meaning, but i like it like that- perverse, dirty and wrong.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 19)"I am not an adventurer by choice but by fate." I think you should get these words tattooed prominently across your back, Aquarius, as when it comes to you, truer words have never been written. (Well, except maybe the stuff i write about you in my blog, all about how you never call me, and try to make me cry- that's pretty true too.) You were born to travel, to have adventures; you were born for an extraordinary life. I promise i won't fuss too much about you leaving, well, not to your face anyways.

PISCES (Feb 20-Mar 20)"Conscience is a man's compass," which is good news for those Pisces who actually HAVE a conscience. You do what you know to be right, follow your heart instead of the dictates of others, and look at the happiness you've found! For the rest of you soulless bastards out there, what can i say? You're going to hell. Fry fucker.

ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19)"I wish they would only take me as I am." It'd be nice hey? I guess it just goes to show that some things never change: there's always going to be people judging us, making assumptions, and being all around pricks. There's only one thing you can do- ignore them, and don't let the bastards get you down. Well, that's the only legal thing anyways!

TAURUS (Apr 20-May 20)"Love is something eternal, the aspect may change, but not the essence." Love may not conquer all, but the ability to love can overcome despair, and give us back to ourselves. I think the only thing that matters is that we still love, despite risk, pain and disappointment. You're doing just fine, sweetheart.

GEMINI (May 21-June 21)"As we advance in life it becomes more and more difficult, but in fighting difficulties the innermost strength of the heart is developed." Let's hope Vincent knew what he was talking about Gemini. You've been through hell recently, but things have to get better. Until then...well, we measure success in survival these days. (This too shall pass.)

CANCER (June 22- July 22)"Great things are not done by impulse, but a series of small things brought together." Like going to Uni, doing your undergrad, then your MA, and now your bloody PhD. OK, we get it, you're not only brilliant but diligent as well. You just keep going until you get what you want, which in my opinion is the mark of an obsessive personality. Ah well, you know what they say about success- it's 10% inspiration, 40% determination, and 50% being willing to bump off all those fuckers who get in your way. Oh, and i think having a wicked MySpace page helps. Fine, and being incredibly handsome and brilliant and talented. I guess that helps too.

LEO (July 23-Aug 22)"What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything?" Wow, a more apt quote for you couldn't exist. For those Leos who had the strength to follow their hearts, even to strange, if not so distant lands, i have nothing but admiration for you. You had the courage to take a risk, and look at all you've gained. For those Leos that have neither strenghth nor faith- an empty life is punishment enough. (An empty life and a kick in the balls, that is.) SO much to look forward to!

VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)"If you hear a voice within you say "you cannot paint," then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced." However, if you hear a voice that says "you cannot kill hobos", you probably shouldn't. Sure, killing will silence the voices...for a while. But then they'll come back, demanding ever more hobo blood, and the madness will continue. Or, that voice might, just might be your conscience. Or the cops. Think about it (the cops bit, not all that lovely, lovely hobo blood). Medication is a good thing.

LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)"... whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is done well." Fits you to a "t"... I don't know what any of us would do without you.

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)"In the end we shall have had enough of cynicism and skepticism..and we shall want to live more musically." I think it's time you allowed yourself time to find out what it is that you want to do. Escape the cynicism of the city, the tedium of daily routine, and go stare at the stars for a while. And then come back, more rested, happier...just remember to come back.

SAGGITARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)"I often think that the night is more alive and more richly colored than the day." Well, that's certainly true of the Downtown Eastside at any rate- if by "alive" he means teeming with crackheads, and "richly coloured" is interpreted as loud and smelling of urine. Ah, life in all it's diverse splendor is certainly represented in our neighbourhood! Serenaded to sleep every night by the sound of sirens, and addicts arguing in the alley below- it's like living poetry.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)"The more I think about it, the more I realize there is nothing more artistic than to love others." Nothing could be more true about you, sweet Capricorn.Though at the moment, i think the way you love yourself is pretty artistic too! (you're my favourite distraction) Your love is perfection, endless grace, redemption; any who have it are blessed in countless ways. Everlong.

*Vincent Van Gogh (1853-1890) was a renowned artist, as famous for his depression as he was for his works of art. Perhaps best known for his painting "Starry Night", and for chopping off his own ear, Van Gogh remains one of the most acclaimed and influential artists in recent history. You should know all of this already- your parents must be very disappointed that they saved up money for your college education. It's all wasted on you.The horoscopes are written by KHOBE, who would love to hear from you, in the form of a note sent to the Gleaner office, or an email to Not that i don't appreciate the sentiment behind the 4 am phone calls, with the heavy breathing, or the dead roses on my front step. I can tell you're a romantic at heart, and i love the attention. I'd just prefer something in writing (something i can take to the cops). Send me theme requests, feedback, or passionate declarations of love. And Pisces, nobody cares, so stop whining.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

And who said online tests arent accurate

OK, so i was checking out one of the blogs from the great blog experiment, and found this "nerd test" at a blog site called ricardo's realm,

My Score Summary
  • Overall, I scored as follows:
  • 78% scored higher (more nerdy), and 22% scored lower (less nerdy).

What does this mean? My nerdiness is: Not nerdy, but definitely not hip

I am nerdier than 22% of all people. Are you nerdier? Click here to find out!

Saturday, July 22, 2006

T rides the short bus

Oh where to begin where to begin. I sure did have a full day today, starting with denny's breakfast (which is always a gong show in itself). After Breakfast we headed over to some department store, so i could get some clothes to help me tollerate this heat a bit better, and i swear the change rooms may as well have had a sign that said "Children's play area: No rules need apply" I mean it was seriously a free for all. There was this one little brat doing cartwheels down the corridor of the change room. Another one screeming and running around in circles. 2 kids holding another hostage in one of the change rooms by barring the door (which i have to admit i did find mildly amusing). I changed and got the hell out of there as soon as i could, but not before this one kid who was about 10 years old KICKED me! i dont know if she thought she was chuck norris, or if she was trying to immitate a ballerina.. but i seriously considered throat punching the brat. Hell if your old enough to start it, your old enough to get beat down. Right?
Later on that day, we were walking along in this parking lot and saw this really weird looking seagull. It was grey, and wouldnt fly away -- it was just kinda hopping along. Then out of no where this huge ass seagull dive bombs us, then lands on a roof of the building beside us and the grey gull. It started making this really strange noise, like a little bark almost -- over and over -- while staring us down. It was then we figured out that the grey gull was a baby, and the feirce beast must be its protective mother. I tried to convince Christopher to go after the baby, i wanted to see what lengths the mama gull would go to to protect her baby, plus ive never seen any one attacked by a gull and thought that it may be kinda funny... but C saw right through my demented plot and wanted nothing to do with it. We walked past the baby gull and just for good measure the mama bird flew RIGHT at us one last time, just incase we didnt get the picture. Seriously, the thing flew RIGHT over our heads, and only like a foot above us! I thought it was gunna seek revenge and shit on us, but, we made it out of the parking lot safe.
We wanted to find an air conditioned refuge, so we decided to go see that new movie Lady in the Water. It was way too hot to walk up to the theatre so we decided to head to the bus loop to see when the bus left. The one bus that goes to the mall runs like once an hour, and we had just missed it. But me being the bus expert i am, went to the board to see if another bus went along the route to the mall... eureka.. the #54 did, and it was scheduled to leave in 2 minutes. We looked around and no bus was in site... except for this SHORT bus. I swear.. it said "shuttle bus" on the side, but it looked like a handi-dart bus. It was a short bus there is no way around it. I mean, we even had to ask if it was a normal bus and whether it stopped at the mall or not. It did, so we rode the short bus to the mall, and saw the movie, which I liked much better than the Village (which doesnt say much i guess). I was able to enjoy it alot more after i threatened some abnoxious teenagers. Seriously, you know the annoying group of teens that travel in a pack of about 9? Well thats who was in my movie theatre today. About 3 random people shoooshed these kids throughout the show, till finally i turned around and said "seriously, you wanna SHUT THE FUCK UP?!" I made eye contact with this one boy -- I believe he was the ring leader -- for an uncomfortable amount of time, and they actually shut up for 10 whole minutes. When they began to pipe back up the people directly behind me said "SHUT UP! youve been told like 4 times now -- GOD!". I gave the ring leader another evil glance, and they all got up (all 9 of em) and slunk out of the theatre. I guess they felt the immintent danger of the theatre as the croud gained strenth in numbers as they turned on them. I mean shit, its not like they need to worry about missing the ending, they talked through most of it anyway.
So yeah, in summary: denny's, abnoxios kids beating me and almost getting beat back, seagull attacks, short busses, and threatening abnoxious teens. Hows THAT for a blog entry.

Monday, July 17, 2006

blog experiments and death threats

OK, so awhile back I got a comment from this random person i didnt know regarding my creepy farting dude post. His name is morris (the stranger that left a comment, not the creepy farting dude).. upon reading his comment i realised that strangers could read my blog. Being the blog n00b that i am, i had not known that my blog could be viewed by people that didnt directly know my link. I didnt know i was listed in the listings or whatever they are called. Anyways, i checked out this guys blog, out of curiosity, and hes got this kinda neat experiment going on. Go to to check it out -- but basically its like a blog link page, to help increase traffic. I checked it out a few weeks ago, and he had like 10 posts (if that). Now, he's past 50. I found some interesting reading material there so far... and some crap, but i guess thats the way it is with life. So, some of you may be interested in this site -- others may not... but i figured that i'd give a post about it, as i have added him to my links list, and he is going to do the same for me.

As for life here... things are quiet, which is nice. But the down side of quiet is boredom. We have officially exausted all the things to do in monterey.. which really isnt alot. Being a fairly recent non-drinker Im finding it hard to adjust to finding things to do that dont include going to get wasted. What else is there to do in a military town? I mean, there are more bars here than there are gas stations, schools, and Mcdonalds all put together. I have to be honest, its hard not to fall back on drinking for something to do.

But, last night i had this dream that i got sooooo wasted that the day after i spent all day trying to figure out how i got a huge wad of cash in my pocket. I had pawned something very important and expensive off to someone, but because i was so drunk i couldnt remember what it was that i had sold. I woke up thankful that i dont have mornings where im trying to remember what i did the night before anymore, even if I do have some bored evenings. Ill take boredom over that shitty "what the hell did i do last night" feeling anytime -- some times it just takes a good nightmare to refresh your memory.

On a different note... I'd like to thank everyone that has taken the time to post comments in my blog. I feel so far away from home, from friends and family some times.. and i really get warm fuzzies when i read my comments. Keep em comming folks, cause if i ever get really really lonely and depressed.. and say i off myself.. you sure would feel guilty that you didnt post more often. Donchya think?

And yes mom.. i AM joking.


Tuesday, July 11, 2006

random things and poop posts

Ok.. so you know your bored when things like this entertain you immensly.

Find 5 things that are different between the pictures. Click on the picture, where there is a difference. Your being timed so dont sit there like a moron like i did... you lose time for every mistake you make.

On a different note, I think my roomate has a sick colon. I never knew such nastiness could come out of such a nice little asian girl. So much for my theory that their craps look like hello kitty, or peekacho. Every morning that i go into the bathroom, there are fecal reminants sprayed across the bowl. I guess i should be thankfull that its the inside of the bowl. Seriously though, this morning, there was the usual "spray array", as well as some left over turd floaties. I mean... come on now, what ever happened to the 2 flush courtesy rule?

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

happy independence day

Ok im totally pissed. I just wrote this HUGE post about my first forth of july and somehow while i was working on it this yahoo search site popped up, navigating me away from my posting page. I frantically hit BACK over and over, and of course its gone, my awesome post is gone and lost forever. Man that pisses me off. And its not like i was only half way thru, i was finnishing up. ARG. In fact, im so pissed im not even going to try to recreate my awesome last entry, and instead ill leave you with something ive been mulling over today. Why do americans call independence day "fourth of july" in conversation? I mean, no one says "happy independence day" they all say "happy fourth of july". Canadians dont say "happy july first" they say "happy canada day". In fact, no other holiday is refered to by its date, instead of its holiday name. Could you imagine? "Happy december 25th!" I mean, its just strange dont you think?