Monday, September 18, 2006

"if you were my neighbour, i wouldnt like you very much either"

So... were finally starting to meet people in the building, but i think i liked it better before. We've had this ongoing saga thatsbrewing with the guy who lives upstairs that raged this weekend to the point of calling the police. I guess i should start at the begining... douglas is about 60 he is bald on top and has a HUGE mustash to make up for it. Ive never trusted anyone with a big mustash -- if you ask me theyre hiding something, besides their upper lip. Anyway.... douglas drinks wine. Alot of wine from what i can tell. He also doesnt seem to go to work. If he does work, its not until after noon, so he can stay up fairly late. Douglas also hates our building manager. I mean hate with a capital H. We have a leak in our bathroom comming from his bathroom, and hes been refusing to let the manager in to his place to fix it. Douglas is also the type of guy that corrects you if you call the building manager the landlord. It really irks him. Douglas is close to 60 and has been living here for 30 years. Thats half of his life drinking and carrying on with loud voices as he does. Douglas likes to get his freak-on with his girlfriend in the wee hours of the morning/night. I dont mind an active social life, as long as i dont have to hear it but.. hes got this squeek in his bed that is loud enough to wake both Christopher and myself out of a deep sleep. He also likes to get his freak on in the tub (believe me i know cause i can hear it), but i believe thats how the leak ended up destroying our ceiling. OK..so.. the story goes like this. Douglas has either kept me and C up, or woken us more than half of the days/nights weve been here so far. This place has thin walls and floors, but like good neighbours we've been biting our tongues. Well, the other night douglas had a lady friend over. They stayed up late drinking (or i assume they were cause youd have to be drunk to hang out with douglas)... so first it was the same crap as always.. loud voices, music.. till after we went to bed.. well till after C was able to fall asleep. I laid there staring at the ceiling where i listened to them walk to the bathroom where they proceeded to have a bath and get funky. It was truely gross -- between the swishing of the water, the squeeking on the bottom of the tub, or the constant Drip drip dripping of their sex water trickling down onto my bathroom floor -- i thought i was going to puke. Finally they quieted down enough for me to fall asleep...not for long of course. We were both woken up by the perverts squeeking bed.. We laid there for a bit.. trying to decide what to do.. but i mean, his bed is LOUD. You could hear it all.. and we really didnt want too. After 2 weeks of his shit, and the fact that Christopher had to get up at 5:30 (it was after 1am by this point) this was the straw that broke the cammels back. Christopher stood straight up in the bed, and gave a sturdy knock on the ceiling at the fornicators. They stopped... for like 2 minutes, and then started back up like nothing had happend. The next day i was home alone.. and douglas was making a ton of noise upstairs. Well.. we had just gotten our computer speakers all hooked up, all 5 of them with a bass box and all. So..every time douglas got loud, i turned up the music. I can play that game.. Anyway, he never came to talk to me or anything... instead he waited until later that night (thank god C was there - or it may have gotten realllly ugly) he came down and knocked on our door. We answered and he said.. ."did i offend you last night"? we said.. "well it wasnt offensive persay but you were keeping us up so i thought id let you know.."
"well id appreciate it if you didnt do that again, its very rude".. we said something about how we dont enjoy listening to him, that hes kept us up more nights than not.. it kinda went back and forth for a bit.. with him getting a bit more beligerant as the conversation went on. Finally, he says.. well im flattered i keep you up, im old enough to be your father. And i quickly say, "ya, but that doesnt mean you get to talk to us like you are, maybe you should come back and we'll discuss this when your not drunk". Well. He sure didnt like that. He started ranting "well stick a finger in your dimple" He headed up the stairs to his place, we closed the door. It wasnt even but 2 minutes that he was back knocking on our door. C opened it, and he started threating to call the cops on us, and that if he did C "would get kicked out of his school and sent to iraq" and then of course ranted some more about my dimples. We got our landlord (sorry... our BUILDING MANAGER) to call the cops... who came promply as they have delt with douglas more than once in the past. They took our statements first, where i pretended to almost cry, accusing him of harrassing us (a cute, nice young military couple) by saying C was going to die in iraq, and that he wanted to touch me inappropriatly. I have to admit, hollywood needs to discover me. Anyway... they went up to douglas' place, where he then tried convince the cops he was right.. and the cops didnt like that. The one thats delt with him before actually said "if i was your neighbour i woudnt like you very much either". As far as im concerned that was the victory right there.

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

People with guns don't kill people. People with mustaches kill people.
How is it that this gentleman, and I use the term loosly, has managed to stay in this apartment for so many years?
And more importantly aren't you due for a haircut?
CHeryL

Anonymous said...

hahaha he called the cops on himself (practically)! I love it when people do that, threaten to call the cops while they are out to lunch, and then end up in shit when the cops come. We had a roommate for a month who decided to not pay for his long distance. We took his money. He called the cops (911 mind you) and told them with a thick french accent "I am a tree-planter from quebec, they took my money because i didn't pay my long-distance, they are thieves!"

I think you should rent a really tasteless porno (something with ron jeremy-style soundtrack) and blast it really loud when his lady friend comes over, jumping on your bed. That's gotta put things into perspective for them :)

itinerant_tee said...

CHERYL!!!

Too weird.. i woke up this morning thinking about you, and spent like 10 minutes looking for my phone book so i could call and say hi.. but i cant find it. I hate moving, u spend so long reorganising things that you can never ever find again! I need a haircut so bad.. my bangs almost touch my lips. Im contimplating just doing it myself.. and if (when) i fuck it up, ill go in then to fix it. Thats the motivation i need to make a leap like getting a new haircutter person. I think id rather just wait till you decide you need a cali vacation...

Kartmazovs..
The ron jeremy idea is perfect... i love it. Weve been trying to decide if we were going to do the knocking on the roof thing again.. but this is O so much better..

Anonymous said...

Here's another option. When they get started, play this REALLY loud.

itinerant_tee said...

jumping jesus on a pogo stick... did i seriously just get a post for an advertisment??

Anonymous said...

Yea. Advertisements. Now is that wild or what. Not as wild as the story about your neighbor that has an awesome punchline, by the way.

itinerant_tee said...

thanks mom.. but its not as good as the quarrel thats going between you and your evil neighbour. Seriously, that woman is devil spawn. I think you should spray weedkiller on her flowers again, see if you can actually kill them this time. No holds barred!

;)

Oakley said...

well, i had a witty idea of what you should do, when then Karmz beat me to it, so I suggest next time he comes and says something to you, say something along the lines of..."Look here Mark Twain, I think it's time to stop poppin' the blue pill and get back to writing your books. Don't you have a sequal to Huck Finn to write or something?" meh, it sounded better in my head.

itinerant_tee said...

lol... i hope i never have to talk to that guy again. He spent the rest of the weekend in hiding.. and actually let the building manager look at the leak in his aparment. So, i think he felt bad. Rumor has it though its too little too late for this guy.. i think hes gotten or is getting his notice. As for that leak.. get this.. the building manager ran the shower, the taps.. flushed the toilet... he did it all, and for like an hour-- he could not make the leak happen no matter what he did. But sure enough it was dripping like a minor niagra falls today when buddy was showering (a mental image i wish i had never had). I think hes actually making the shower leak on purpose.. maybe splashing it out? Who knows, who knows.

Anonymous said...

well sheeeeat...that sounded like an invitation. Y'know the rain's are about to start back up here...give it till maybe mid November and flying to California to give you a haircut is gonna sound awfully tempting.
.....find me a cute boy down there and I'll throw in two haircuts!
...like you don't know who I am.

itinerant_tee said...

lol

I live 3 minutes away from a military base.. marines, airforce, army and navy. The male to female ratio is like 10:1 in this town. AND it hasnt rained since i got here. Not once. I even bought a couch 2 weeks ago. Hows that for a selling deal?

Anonymous said...

I'm allergic to floral patterns...it's not floral is it?

itinerant_tee said...

your not a very efficent blog reader.. there is a post that has a picture of the couch just a couple of entries down -- in the one that has a picture of the moving man with the awesome greasy mullet. No, its not floral, and it sure sleeps well. And id know, cause i slept on it this morning, rather than listen to creepy-mustash-man, and girlfriend-who-makes-too-much-noise. Good times.

Anonymous said...

Now that you mention it, I did read that thank you very much. It just so happens that all I remember is the mullet. I wouldn't be pointing any fingers if I were you, I post new pictures practically every week on my myspace page, and do you go look at them? I think not.

itinerant_tee said...

my space.. ive boycotted it. You know that.

and furthermore, everytime i try to look at it, the myspace thing tries to make me get an account. Screw that. I make em, then forget what they are. Then when i try to make em again, the thing tells me i cant have that account, its already taken. Its a conspiracy. Give me the link again, and ill check it out..
promise.

btw -- that truely was a memorable mullet wasnt it?!!

Anonymous said...

i HATE your neighbour, what a fucking twat! ok, i was pissed off when he was annoying you all and being inconsiderate and obnoxious. but i hate him for saying that shit to Christopher and you...WTF??? who SAYS that??? "you're caling me on my bad behaviour, so i'm gonna try to get you sent to iraq"??? ok, obviously he couldn't, but STILL!!!!! what a fucking cunt! god i wish i was there- go give him a piece of my mind...and a piece of a broken beer bottle in his fuckwit face.(gerrie i hope you'll forgive my incredibly bad language, but i'm FURIOUS!) (and i hope i spelled your name right, which i probably didn't, but i tried!) sweetie, i am SO sorry you had to listen to his bullshit, and i am VERY proud of you for the way you handled it! especially the academy award winning performance with the po po...growing up in east van DEF prepares you for the real world! lol

i love you lots, and miss you
glad douglas the ass is moving out!
my love to you and christopher, and hi to your mom! (again, sorry for the bad language! lol)
kat xxx

itinerant_tee said...

lol.. thats my gentle soft spoken kat.. hehehe

Anonymous said...

LOL- yea, i'm a lady. or like a big mean trucker in a little girl body. which, if you look it up, is the definition of lady. i'm pretty sure.
lol

itinerant_tee said...

lol it is in the east van dictionary...

Anonymous said...

fuck i miss you- so many people just look at me oddly and back away slowly when i talk like that..but you GET it! lol (not really sure if that's a compliment on your perception, or a damning indication of latent madness, only time will tell...)i hope all is going well in cali...i'm holding down the fort in auckland- for the next few days at least! i wish you were online- dave and i had a big talk last night (good things, don't worry), and i just have this need to talk it all through with you...coz as much as i joke about how crazy you must be to get me, you really do...*cut to me making motions with my hands, mouthing the words "you complete me"* LOL

ttys honey
love kat

itinerant_tee said...

your a freak.. but i still love you

Anonymous said...

oh, so coz i know sign language (AMERICAN sign language at that), suddenly i'm a freak? i didn't know you had a huge hate on for the hearing impaired and their allies, tiresa... now the terrorists have really won. i hope you're happy tiresa, i hope you're happy....*shakes head in disapproving sorrow, makes more motions with hands which when translated, turn out to be incredibly rude things about you* (the hearing impaired across america giggle helplessly and then get abck to the serious work of planning revenge against you) DEAF POWER!!!!

(what do you mean i'm wierd?????)
lol
crazy kat

Anonymous said...

ps..i love you too, deaf- hater

lol
kat

itinerant_tee said...

jesus.. what can i even say to that. Im not even going to try.

Anonymous said...

LOL....this is FUN!!!!!! for me anyways, which is, i think we'd all agree, the important thing! lol

k